What Blocks Access to the Capacity You Already Have?

Becoming Curious About What Happens Before You Lose Access

In the last article, we explored the difference between having the capacity to be with internal distress and having access to that capacity in any particular moment. You may already have experienced both. At times, you can notice what's happening inside, stay with it and experience some relief or spaciousness. At other times, something happens and before you realize it, you're back to managing yourself again.

This is where deeper recovery can become especially interesting. Instead of treating those moments as evidence that you're doing something wrong, they can become opportunities to learn more about what's happening inside you. The question becomes, “What was happening just before I lost access to the capacity I know I have?”

Following Your Experience Backward

Imagine someone says something to you that feels critical. Almost immediately, you tighten up inside and feel an urge to withdraw, so you do. You become quiet, leave the room or emotionally distance yourself from the other person.

A little later, you become aware of what happened and recognize that withdrawing was a strategy you used to manage your internal reaction.

You can begin again right there.

You could bring your attention back to what is happening inside and notice that some of the tightness is still present. As you become curious about it, you begin to review what happened. When did the tightness begin? What was going on at the time? What did you experience just before you wanted to withdraw?

Maybe you recognize that you started feeling uptight when you felt criticized.

Now you've learned something about your experience. When you felt criticized, something happened inside, your body tightened, you had an urge to withdraw, and you acted on that urge.

You can simply notice the sequence.

Your Experience Gives You Something to Work With

This kind of awareness can reveal what was happening at the moment you lost access to your capacity to remain present with your experience.

In this example, the tightness was there before you withdrew. Now you can get curious about that tightness.

The same kind of sequence can happen in many different ways. You might feel something in your stomach before becoming defensive, notice pressure in your chest before reaching for food, experience restlessness before picking up your phone or become aware of an uncomfortable thought just before you begin trying to distract yourself.

The point is to become increasingly familiar with your own experience.

As you do, you may begin to recognize patterns that have been happening for years, often so quickly you're not even aware of them.

Awareness Changes the Experience

Something else can happen as you bring awareness to your experience.

In the example of feeling criticized, you may notice that as you become curious about the tightness, it begins to loosen. Maybe your breathing becomes easier, your body softens or you experience a little more room around what you're feeling. You may feel lighter, more spacious and more free.

You brought your attention back to your present experience, and as awareness returned, your experience began to change.

This gives you another way to recognize that the skill of self-awareness is developing. You become familiar with what it feels like when your attention has moved away from the present moment, and you also begin to recognize what happens when you return.

Learning Your Own Patterns

Over time, you can become increasingly interested in the moments you lose access to your capacity to be with what life serves you.

What happens in your body? What thoughts appear? What emotions do you feel? What urges or impulses show up? What was happening around you when the shift occurred?

These questions are invitations to observe rather than conclusions about what your experience means. The answers come through paying attention.

With practice, you might recognize the sequence earlier. You may notice the tightening before the withdrawal, the insecurity before the defensiveness or the restlessness before the distraction. Each time you notice, you have another opportunity to bring awareness to what is happening inside and return to the present moment.

Deeper Recovery Can Feel Very Different

In an earlier article, I asked a question that many people in long-term recovery ask:

If I have already tried everything, does deeper recovery simply mean that I have to work even harder?

The experiences we've explored in the last few articles point toward a very different way of approaching recovery.

You can shift attention from managing yourself to becoming aware of yourself. You can discover your capacity to be with internal distress. You can expect that access to that capacity to be interrupted occasionally, and you can become curious about what's happening when that occurs. Each time you turn your attention to your present experience, you continue developing awareness and learning more about yourself.

And as awareness returns to the present moment, you may increasingly experience the relief, spaciousness, ease and freedom that come with being fully present with what's happening inside you.

That may be one of the most important differences between working harder at recovery and going deeper into recovery. As your awareness develops, you gain greater access to the present moment, and the present moment is where ease and flow become available.