When the Past Takes Over the Present

Why Life Can Still Feel Hard After Addiction

You can be doing well in recovery and still have moments when something happens and your whole internal experience changes. Maybe someone says something that hits you the wrong way. Maybe a plan changes unexpectedly. Maybe you feel criticized or rejected. A few minutes earlier you were clear and grounded, and now your thoughts are racing, your emotions are intense, and you can’t seem to respond the way you want to.

The fact that your internal reaction is out of your control is even more distressing. You're aware of your internal discomfort. But you're not aware that your past has entered the room, even though you may not realize it.

That reaction isn’t something you consciously decided to have. It happened automatically. But automatic doesn’t mean you can’t become aware of it. In fact, learning what to do when the past influences your present experience is one of the ways recovery can begin to go deeper.

The Past Can Distort What’s Happening Now

When something in the present moment touches an unresolved experience from the past, your perspective can get distorted. You’re still experiencing what’s happening now, but you’re looking at it through an old and outdated lens. That can make what is happening in the present moment feel more dangerous or painful than it actually is.

These visits from the past can rock you with strong and confusing emotions and reactions and leave you feeling unstable and out of control.

Self-Control Can Use Up Most of Your Capacity

What do you do when you feel out of control? You try not to say what you’re thinking. You hide how upset you are. You work hard to keep your behavior appropriate. If you’ve been in recovery for a while, you may have become very good at this.

Self-control can be useful. It can keep you from doing things you’ll regret and help you avoid returning to old behaviors. But it also uses up your capacity to respond to what comes along in life. When most of your attention is focused on controlling what you feel, think, and do, there isn’t much left to notice what’s actually happening.

Life gets harder. You’re either consumed with controlling the reaction or the reaction is controlling you.

Awareness Creates Another Option

There’s another way to relate to what’s happening.

Let's say you experience a sudden surge of anger. It surprises you. It doesn't really make sense. So you try to justify it. Something happened. Someone said something. You felt anger. It seems obvious that whatever happened - whatever was said - CAUSED the anger. The anger drives you to attack, defend, or withdraw. You want to react to what happened or to what was said.

But before you get fully absorbed in the experience - before you react - you pause. You get curious about the anger. You don't judge it or justify it. You just look at it. You notice the power of the anger. You notice how strong it feels inside. You notice how it just automatically surged up through you. You notice the energy of it, the heat of it, the power of it. Your ability to pause and observe with curiosity creates some distance between you and what you are experiencing.

That distance creates space, and inside that space you have more choice. You are out of the automatic reaction and now can choose how to respond. You can begin asking, “What’s happening in me right now?” instead of immediately asking, “How do I make this stop?”

The anger isn't running you. It's an experience you're noticing. You're no longer involved with the anger. You're a curious observer. From this perspective, there's nothing to manage, nothing to control.

Imagine driving a car. The engine is running. The transmission is in drive. The car is moving forward. You're steering and applying the gas and the brake to control speed and direction. You're managing the power of the engine.

Now imagine pulling the car over and putting the transmission in the park position. There is no longer anything to manage. You don't need to steer or apply the brake or gas pedal. You hear the engine running. You might feel the vibration from the power of the engine. But there is nothing to manage. Nothing to control.

You have a choice.

Now think again of that surge of anger. Stepping into the observer position is the equivilant of putting the car in park. You still feel the anger. But from the detached observer position, you're able to simply notice it.

This detached curiosity gives you awarenes. It gives you a new way to respond without letting the automatic internal reaction take over.

There's deeper work to do. That, too begins with awareness. Until the deeper work of resolving the past is done, practice detached curiosity when automatic internal reactions are activated by the events of your life. As you do so, you will become more able to respond to life as it is instead of reacting to life as it was.

What Addiction Was Managing

This is especially important in addiction recovery because the addiction was often helping manage this kind of internal distress. Alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors can be extremely effective at changing how you feel. They can numb pain, quiet fear, or give you temporary relief from being overwhelmed.

When you stop using the addictive strategy, the automatic internal reactions it was managing don’t automatically disappear. You may be in recovery from your addiction and still have the same internal reactions, fears, and unresolved concerns that were there before. Now you’re facing them without the strategy you used to rely on.

Recovery programs usually provide other ways to deal with those experiences. Calling someone, going to a meeting, or using spiritual practices can help you get through difficult moments without returning to the addiction. Those strategies can be essential, especially early in recovery.

But there’s a difference between management and resolution. Management helps you live with an unresolved concern without going back to the addiction. Resolution addresses the concern itself.

Both can have a place in recovery, but they aren’t the same thing. Deeper recovery includes becoming aware of what the addiction was helping you manage and gradually addressing what's under the internal distress.

Start by Noticing What Happens

You don’t have to figure all of this out. Start by noticing when something uncomfortable begins to happen inside. Pay attention when your reaction suddenly gets stronger, when you start using a lot of energy to control yourself, or when you realize you’re responding to something as though it’s more dangerous than it really is.

Practice pausing when you notice an automatic internal reaction. Notice it. Get curious about it. Notice the reaction soften with your non-reactive, judgment-free attention.

Awareness creates space, and space gives you more choice. It also helps you maintain your capacity to deal with the rest of your life.